February 20, 2023

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I wrote this five years ago, but in light of current events, it seems relevant again.

Maybe it's really time to to divide the United States into two different countries. We’ll call them Trumpistan and, um... America! People will have a grace period of a couple of years to move to whichever country they prefer before the new rules take effect.

Trumpistan will be located in the old Confederacy States. Trump will be Supreme Ruler for Life. Instead of a cabinet, he’ll have a Council of Oligarchs, who will manage the various departments. Because the departments won’t actually do much, the Oligarchs will have plenty of time for cosmetic surgery and yachting.

Of course, people will still be allowed to vote -- for any candidate they like from the country’s only party, the Trumpicans.

Those opting to move to Trumpistan will give up Medicare, Social Security, Medicaid, and other government programs relating to health and welfare. Naturally, people will be able to buy health insurance. It won’t cover contraception – or really, anything, because sooner or later everyone has a pre-existing condition. Most people will pay for medical care and drugs out of pocket.

There will be no public education. Those who can’t afford a fancy private school can choose between a church school (where the history class will teach that Noah took dinosaurs on the Ark), homeschooling (rare, because most couples will have at least two full time jobs in order to afford health care), or simple day care (which will consist mostly of chain link fences).

There will be little need for publicly-funded infrastructure projects, like roads and bridges, since few people will have the time or money to go anywhere. Most national parks will be converted to coal mines and oil wells. The others will become Royal Hunting Grounds where the Oligarchs enjoy canned hunts.

In the meantime, back in America, we'll continue to use the U.S. Constitution, with a few small amendments. Gerrymandering will be made illegal, and the electoral college will no longer exist. Health care will be Medicare for All. Congresspersons will receive a salary based on the average income of citizens, and upon retirement they'll get the same Social Security benefits as everyone else. One idea from the Trump days will finally be carried out – we'll build The Wall – along the border with Trumpistan. @realrkwest


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